Wednesday, July 29, 2015

He has been my best so far.

It’s not difficult to say, he has been my best so far. Even though it seems we are not working out, because of the many challenges in front of us, he’s been amazing. I will not settle for anyone or anything lesser than what he gave me.

He treated me like a queen while it lasted. So sad it all has to come to an end, mainly because we work in the same place and the love (maybe) is not strong enough to make anyone give up his/her job. You know, where we work, you can’t marry your colleague. So one has to resign. Other minor reasons are, family not too keen on us. His People don’t like me that much and my peeps same; age not on my side to consider waiting longer; family responsibilities as first son; also, I’ve the tendency to be disrespectful etc.

I never called his people not because I didn’t have their number, but I didn’t think it was time to start getting close. I had seen one of his sisters, gone to her house twice, seen the brother a couple of times but I still feel this withdrawal. I always feel it. So I guess it’s me.

Did I forget to tell you that there’s someone his Mum wants him to settle with. She’s very beautiful but I guess she did something that hurt him, so he’s not so keen on settling with her. She loves him though, at least I’ve seen some of their communications. Sometimes I get jealous because I feel she loves him more than I do.

I’m not a prayer warrior like she is, I don’t know how to pray that God make all these challenges disappear, so that I live with him forever as his wife. All I know is that I love him so much and want him to be happy. Very hard to admit, but I want him to be happy even if I’m not the one. That’s how special he made me feel at least before he started withdrawing. Even at that, I know he still loves me.

Hard as it is to call your name here, the most unique name I’ve ever heard, if you ever come across this, drop a prayer for me, because I bless you every time I think of you.

Still writing in present tense. You can imagine

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Forced Love

Then I pray “give me the heart to love him, who you've destined for me”

I found that most times in life’s love stories, most women don’t end up marrying who they love.

I assumed that would be my story too. Why? When men pursued me, after dating for a while, I end up loving more than they do and the relationship never sees the next stage. So in this particular scenario, after ups and down in my relationship, I sensed the absence of my lover’s heart. On the day I broke up with him, I had someone else seriously on my tail.

This new guy came with so much force. I kept asking myself if he is the one and since I didn’t have any affection for him, maybe that’s where my prayer comes in handy. “Give me the heart to love him, who you’ve destined for me”.

I still secretly pray for my lover to come back to me. Although something tells me I’ve lost him for good, because the challenges we have are too enormous for lazy and undedicated people like us to cross.

This new guy is coming too strong. I’m older than him with 2 years. He even uses my picture as his display picture on social media. No one else has done that apart from my siblings and cousins. I’ve not met him in person, his written English is close to terrible. Pictures of him are not clear but I can see he’s not my type.

A friend of mine chatted me once, she said she came across my pix on a mutual friend’s DP. She engaged him in a discussion and he told her I was his fiancĂ©e’ and we would be getting married in December.

Can he be real? Could he be the one for me? Will I open my heart to receive him?

All these I don’t know. Time will tell.

BTW, why can’t I marry someone I love and who loves me back? Why do I have to force myself to love someone just because I want to get married?