Monday, August 6, 2012

School of Hard Knocks

I'm not suicidal but I swear, I know what it feel like to want to end ones life. I know the feeling. There's just a thin line separating me form that feeling. I know I won't get there. I pray I don't get there.

In this short period of time I've seen that in this life I'm on my own. I've let down the people that love me the most-Family.

The best thing I know one could posses is family. If you've got none then I'm sorry. It also very bad when you dissapoint the family that should be your backbone. Then OYO. 

I've let down my family in so many ways. In letting them down, I've let myself down. I don't even have the courage to pick up the phone and chat with my family members the way I used to. When they call me, there is this disconnect. It's the guilt inside me that's killing me. It's killing me badly. I feel terrible, afraid, scared, angry and hopeless. I fear what the future holds. Even God seems so far away from me. I've cried, I cried telling him to save me from drowning myself but he seems far far far. Will he ever look my way? I hope he does cos I must be one dirty old hag to him. 

I once had a good name, that name I've soiled with my own hands.  With my very own hands I ruined my life. I make mistakes after mistake, never wanting to learn from them. Who have I to blame but myself.

In this period I realized that there might be many people out there feeling like I am right now, but then they mange to put on a smile, a false facade if you ask me. But then they go about their everyday business with hope. I still find it hard to forgive myself, where then will hope come from?

My early years had things going smoothly for me. I never in my wildest imagination thought things would get this bad. I've been screaming on twitter that I needed someone to talk to but no one replied. Probably they think I'm joking or maybe they have issues of their own. But whatever the reason they just made me understand that I'm on my own- to carry my problems alone.

Life is a hard knock.  Truly it is. 

Lord I hope you see my heart and come to my rescue.