Friday, August 31, 2012

People dey sha oh!

This Girl (I don't know her name, but I'll find out), was recently employed in my office. Though she was based on a site, she reported to the office every Friday to prepare and submit her report for that week. 

Last week, when she came, I said hi for the first time. She popped in the following Monday to pick up some drawings and we exchanged pleasantries again. My assessment of her then was that she was okay, character-wise-although her dress sense was a write-off.

Today, she came in as usual to prepare and submit her report to my boss (The perfectionist one) and he started pointing out some errors to her and correcting her in a manner we (old employees) are used to. Apparently, the girl wasn't finding it funny, so when they were through with the discussion, she angrily went back to her workstation. At that time, someone called her on her phone and she responded, loud enough to draw attention to herself and in a manner that shows that she was really mad a result from her encounter with my boss. She spent some minute and before you know it she carried her bag and went out of the office. I knew something was really wrong. So I (humble peace maker) went after her to the lift lobby and tried to delay her -by holding her arm, from entering the lift so I could talk to her, but she told me *in a mad mood* "I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING ME. I'LL NEVER COME BACK TO THIS OFFICE". I didn't expect such an outburst from her, So my first response was shock. I was so shocked I couldn't open my mouth. That was  how she entered the lift, pushing the others inside and left. Later I heard at the entrance hall that her behaviour in coming out of the lift was liken to a mad woman.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Something I wished for.

Since my Secondary school days, I'd wished I had an elder sibling. It's not like the task of being a senior was too much, but I wished I could be taken care of too. BTW, I wasn't/am still not a great first born child. I don't intend selling my birthright though.

I'd always imagined what it was like to have an elder sister or brother. I'm sure I won't have done most of the s**t I've done cos they would have put a check on me. They would have put a closer eye than my parent did.

Recently, when I got acquainted with OB's sister, I started to imagine her as being my own sister. It had nothing to do with me going out with her brother. Ofcourse there are somethings about her I really don't fancy, but I just feel this attraction towards her-not lesbian things oh. 

She still scares me, but the little time we talked I was able to *what's the word?* relate with her! No that doesn't sound right. 

Anyways, I really wish she was my friend. She's intelligent and smart.

Wedding Waka!

The other day I was going for a wedding. I had serious thoughts on how to convey myself there. The options were, A bus-danfo, a cab, a bike-okada. and of course, my legs-I have no car. I seriously had to weight my options cos and obviously, money is not plenty. lol at that.

Long and short of the gist, I used a bus(es) in getting there.

It was ecomomical, that I don't need to explain.
It was also safe- not like using a bike.

These were the two pluses in my choice, and they were at the expenses of my Rep (I do have a reputation you know), my comfort and my patience (time).

My rep was tanished tainted that day. Why? Ok I was sitted in the bus by the window side and somehow I glanced out of it to the vehicle on the other lane. It was a yellow cab and in it, I saw a former classmate. Immediately, I turn my head back to my phone. Kai! I don fall my hand! Thank Goodness I wasn't in those very big buses filled with market goods. I hope she didn't see me, we are not friends at all though. Also, my dress was not bus appropriate (lol) Anyways, I toned in down. How? By wearing flat shoes -had the intention of changing when I got to the venue.

Convenience.... I suffered oh! From one danfo to another, I for just bone charter taxi! One of the "numerous" buses I entered, from CMS to Orile, was these big ones that usually carry traders and their goods, tomatoes, pepper and the likes. Luckily sha, this one didn't carry them, but it still felt awkward.

Time... If I had flown a bike, I woudn't have been caught up in these stupid Lagos traffic...or waiting for the bus to get filled with passengers. A cab won't need to wait for it to get filled too. It took me a lifetime to get to the venue.

But then I got to the venue in piece (Not peace oh) cos I had a serious quarrel with one annoying bus conductor and in the annoyance lost my new bracelet and didn't notice it was missing till at the venue.

*Clearing my throat* At the venue, another wahala- where to change my shoes and possible do some retouch of my makeup..I WISH I HAD A CAR!

Finally, the wedding was fun. Reunited with come colleagues.
Then the journey back was less stressful, cos I got a free ride to a very resonable distance.

Pics from teh wedding...




Oops! I wish I could tell.

I wish I had no secrets. 

Sometimes I tell things that others would keep secret. But then I have my reason. It is because I believe the punishment I would get (from God of course- He's the only only one that matters) would be less after people would have probably judged and castigated me. Just like in "giving", you know our popular belief that if you give in the open and you are praised, then don't expect any reward from God... So I assume if people of the world judge me, like they did Mary Magdalene, and I'm truly sorry for my misdeed, That God would be milder on the punishment that should be meted on me.

So that's where I draw my inference from.

I have greatly sinned, Lord have mercy.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Arranging my thoughts

He calls her "My Own". That was his special name for her, he still calls her that now, even though he tries to call her by her real name when talking to me(mostly comparing me to her). Before I met him I understood she gave him the phone he was using cos probably he couldn't afford to buy one for himself. This phone has lots of her pictures in its memory card. Ofcourse he can't delete the pictures because he claims he would return the phone in due time.

Along the line, His Mum gives him another phone for his birthday, He removes the memory card from the previous phone and inserts it in this new one- still full of her pictures.

Yet again, he get a bigger phone -a BB, still again he migrates that same memory card with all the pictures.

He doesn't have a picture of me in his phone, But then he calls her his ex, and me his babe, sometimes wife. He gets terribly angry when I ask about her. Sometimes he says he left cos she was fat  othertimes, cos she was not a tidy person, sometimes because of distance. Distance? He told me she's in lagos. So what has distance got to do with it?

I always ask because, the answers don't seem convincing enough. the reason is because anytime he lies, he finds it hard to make eye contact and then he stutters. That is what he does anytime I ask him.

Along the line (a slip of his sister's tongue) I found out she has been in London. She was around lately though, I saw signs when I went there in June- I saw some of her clothing and the script I wrote about in one of my recent posts. He denied her being present-when I showed him the facts and evidences, he had to confess that she comes around the house,of course passing the night(s). That was when I made up my mind to call it off finally. He was not mine. He was hers.

If he was really not seeing her anymore, I'm sure he would have just bought a new memory card, after all 
how much is it?

He always talks of how boxed up she is. Her dad works with NNPC and bla bla bla, She works in a bank, She gives him money. Money! Maybe that was it, Money! What a shame if you ask me. A man following a woman for money is really very shameful (my opinion pls). 

So I'm just wondering who he is using, either he's using me or he's using her. Anyway, I don't wish to be used by anyone.

But then I get confused because of the way he "pushes" me to associate with his family. What is he up to?

Before his sister became friendly with me, she used to scare the crap outta me. But he tells me to better start getting use to her cos I'll be seeing her for a long time. brb

I'm So alone

Is there no one who sees I'm not alright? Or you guys don't just care? I'm in pain. Please someone should give me shoulders to cry on. Please! Someone should just hold my hands look into my eyes and tell me that everything would be fine, that I need not worry myself too much, that I have done wrong but God is ever merciful and compassionate. Is there no one out there to tell me this? 

At this rate, I could die and no one will care, I'm pretty sure.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Everyday People- That smile

You see them everyday but you have not the slightest idea what they are passing through. If only you knew, you would give them at least a smile even go as far as paying for their meal, their transport fare, but you don't know and you may never know. They are bold enough to cover it up with a smile. 

So in my opinion a smile is deceptive, very, but it still the best thing that could happen to someone. Someone throws a smile your way and your morning is lit up. It's magical I swear. Sadly, I don't know how to were one. 

I know how to laugh in fact I love laughing, but I can laugh all the time, I can't laugh while walking along the road-of course people will think I'm mad. So I really need to learn how to wear a beautiful smile first to brighten your day and two, to hide my sorrows and worries. After all who cares?

Can you ever imagine what's behind that smile?

Monday, August 6, 2012

I pray for hope

The greatest gift we have all been given is HOPE and it is the only thing we can't live without.

School of Hard Knocks

I'm not suicidal but I swear, I know what it feel like to want to end ones life. I know the feeling. There's just a thin line separating me form that feeling. I know I won't get there. I pray I don't get there.

In this short period of time I've seen that in this life I'm on my own. I've let down the people that love me the most-Family.

The best thing I know one could posses is family. If you've got none then I'm sorry. It also very bad when you dissapoint the family that should be your backbone. Then OYO. 

I've let down my family in so many ways. In letting them down, I've let myself down. I don't even have the courage to pick up the phone and chat with my family members the way I used to. When they call me, there is this disconnect. It's the guilt inside me that's killing me. It's killing me badly. I feel terrible, afraid, scared, angry and hopeless. I fear what the future holds. Even God seems so far away from me. I've cried, I cried telling him to save me from drowning myself but he seems far far far. Will he ever look my way? I hope he does cos I must be one dirty old hag to him. 

I once had a good name, that name I've soiled with my own hands.  With my very own hands I ruined my life. I make mistakes after mistake, never wanting to learn from them. Who have I to blame but myself.

In this period I realized that there might be many people out there feeling like I am right now, but then they mange to put on a smile, a false facade if you ask me. But then they go about their everyday business with hope. I still find it hard to forgive myself, where then will hope come from?

My early years had things going smoothly for me. I never in my wildest imagination thought things would get this bad. I've been screaming on twitter that I needed someone to talk to but no one replied. Probably they think I'm joking or maybe they have issues of their own. But whatever the reason they just made me understand that I'm on my own- to carry my problems alone.

Life is a hard knock.  Truly it is. 

Lord I hope you see my heart and come to my rescue. 

In memory of the one I lost

Long before I saw him
I had beautiful dreams about him.
I saw signs of him everywhere.
Then finally he came
But the timing was wrong
I wasn't ready
I wasn't ready for D.
I had other plans
Other dreams
He had to go
He left...and I miss him so much.
I really do


He'll be back
I know
I know D. will come back
to me
Of course he would be different
and so would I
but I promise to atone
for all I did
the first time he came.
and was turned away.
So you know
I loved you then.


I miss the one I never had

(So you know, I have tear in my eyes writing this) 

Being in love should not be this hard. Honestly, I'm tired of this issue called "love". I tired of talking about it, reading about it, hearing it. I just want to feel it from some one I like. I tired of writing his name on my blog for all the wrong reasons. Why can't I write about him taking me out on a proper date (where he pays) or him buying me gifts just because he loves me. Why? I know he's not so boxed up but even if, there are inexpensive ways to show someone you care after all he can afford to buy himself beer every evening. I'm tired! But then I've got my self so entangled I don't know how to leave. 

I tried leaving him finally last month but things happened and we are back to where we were- nowhere.  I stayed almost a month without calling him then. He called a couple of time though. Things got tough for me so I had to consult him cos he was the only one close to me then. Then he went about telling me how he wanted me back and stuff. I'm passing through alot now and I need a shoulder to lean on and he's not there. So what am I to do?

The sad thing is that there are lots of people out there who really like me and are willing to do almost anything for me but unfortunately, I don't like them at all. The thought of some of them even irritates me like shit. 

Now I fear I'm going to die a lonely lady but I rather than end up with someone I don't fancy. It's so easy for me to get irritated even by people I like.

Like I said, I'm going through a life changing process right now and I've decided to do it myself. I don't need OB's shoulders to lean on. I can't stand him anymore. I've tried to understand him but he just gets so irritating and annoying at the same time. Immature behavior if you ask me. 

He'll grow up at his own time and pace, cause it seems my pace is faster, way faster than his.
I'll miss him though, I'll miss the person I never had.